chains of chemistry

Sorry.
Things haven't improved from the last few weeks. Like what pl had said I have been dwelling into my problems and mistakes, I just don't get out from any of them. I have countless excuses and blames to count on which set me not moving towards for the betters. I am sooo disguised by myself to the extent that I can't recognise myself. I questioned myself; why do I have to resort to such degree of vicious motive? How can I permit the access of these ugly thoughts. Its chronically dubious. Apart from that I hate myself not only because I destroyed my soul, but indirectly I also hurt others. This hurt doesn't sound as light and easy as how we spelled it but it hurts deeply like how write it. The pencil mark on the second page do not erase off by simply rubbing it using a eraser. Results are not reflected by grades but by percentile. Its how high you are ranked above others. I personally think its competition that drives me to the corner and exposes 'self-centredness'. And perhaps it has always been within me, just that is hasn't been revealed as there weren't expectations and competitions. Here it comes again why do I always push the blame to others and why is it possible for me to have that think optimistically in the past and not for now. So it all comes to a conclusion, I should not continue to dig into my grave and its time to change my thinking. Best of all, keep my brain dead. A slap for myself, I deserve it. Alright today has to come to an end, what had happened have happened, I have disappointed everyone including myself. So let bygones be bygones. I have to start afresh, and forget everything. I am new.